Loving Discipline that Works

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Loving Discipline that Works

Use this article to better guide your children’s behavior.
Gary Chapman, with Ron R. Lee | posted 6/03/2008

Try also: Anger Management, Children, Church, Classrooms, Discipline, Kids, Misbehavior, Screening, Teachers

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We make discipline a bigger challenge than it needs to be, in part, because we tend to equate discipline with punishment. But punishment is only a small part of the process. It's more helpful to think of the positive side of discipline, a word that means "training." In training our children to become responsible adults, we teach them the values and skills they need to succeed in life. It's a positive enterprise.

For example, when a child is rude to you, your initial reaction might be to punish the child. But before taking that step, consider whether proper manners have been explained to the child. Rudeness can be replaced with respectful behavior. And in practicing good manners, the child also learns important social skills that she'll use the rest of her life. Where punishment might have solved a temporary problem, training sets behavior on a positive course for life.

When to take corrective action

A second aspect of discipline is correction. While punishment involves a penalty, correction involves turning a child away from disobedience so he'll head in the right direction. In many instances, a word of correction is all that's needed: "Don't run out into the parking lot because you might get hit by a car."

If words don't work, the next step is corrective action. Let's say the child insists on running out into the parking lot. Before punishing him, take an intermediate step. Calmly lead him to the playground. Now removed from the temptation of a crowded lot, he can have fun in a safer part of the yard.

Training children and correcting them with words and actions are ways we teach and guide without resorting to penalties. But if your student continues to defy you, it's time for punishment. That's when discipline becomes negative because punishment causes discomfort.

The love connection

Whether it's the loss of privileges or a time-out, punishment gets a child's attention. It shows that the teacher is serious about enforcing a rule that the child insists on breaking. But too often, we forget to punish kids in the context of unconditional love. Some people fear that heaping love on a child who seems devoted to messing up is giving the child a license to disobey. But that's a misunderstanding of discipline.

We need to discipline children because we love them, not instead of loving them. The worst thing we can do is withhold our love as a form of punishment. When a child is being belligerent, it's natural to feel angry. But no matter how many times she breaks the same rule, don't allow your frustration to cause you to love her conditionally. If a child feels neglected, it won't be long before she starts acting up. If her need for love and attention still isn't met, she will likely continue the same misbehavior, or do something worse, until she feels loved.

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